


if i, i don't have you

by thebeanunderthecorner



Series: ...and you get a songfic! [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: "If I Had A Mountain" - OK Go, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Barry Bluejeans Needs a Hug, Barry blames himself, Barry is sad in this one, Depression, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Flagellation, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death - The Stolen Century (The Adventure Zone), blupjeans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:15:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28494456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeanunderthecorner/pseuds/thebeanunderthecorner
Summary: Dying isn't new to the crew of the Starblaster, so why does Barry feel so bad about it this cycle?
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup
Series: ...and you get a songfic! [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053647
Kudos: 12





	if i, i don't have you

**Author's Note:**

> "And if I  
> Had an ocean  
> The waves would reach past the shore  
> And if I  
> Had a desert  
> The sand would be whiter than snow  
> The sand would be whiter than snow"
> 
> TW: depression, death, suicidal thoughts/ideations/mentions

Barry Bluejeans had always loved Lup. Sure, it had been just a crush at the start of the mission, but it grew to be something more substantial over time. It grew to be inevitable. Year after year they’d gotten closer, reaching a tipping point, and then the Legato Conservatory performance happened and the dam broke. He could finally express his feelings about her, for he knew she felt the same towards him, and it came out all at once sometimes. 

They were happy and in love despite all the challenges that came up with each new plane.

And then, about two decades later, Lup died early on in the year and Barry felt something in him snap. It wasn’t like this was the first time either of them had been killed since cycle forty-seven, but it was the first time Barry had felt like this. The rest of the group swore they’d never seen a sight so disheartening as their grieving science officer and friend being sent down a spiral of self-flagellation and despair.

Barry and Lup had taken to primarily sleeping in her room together after a particularly rough cycle that probably caused a lot more psychological damage than any of the crew was willing to admit and Lup didn’t want to be without Barry for longer than necessary, feeling like he could disappear at any moment if she wasn’t there to hold him. It took her a couple years to disembark from that particular train of thought, but it was still nice to wake up next to the person she loved, so they continued the practice in the name of comfort.

Which was why Barry was avoiding her -their- room entirely. It would bring him too much pain to see all her stuff and remind him that she wouldn’t be there to use it. Nor would he enjoy sleeping in that bed knowing she wasn’t going to be there when he woke up. That he’d wake up to a cold and empty bed. 

So he didn’t.

Instead, he spent as much time in the lab as possible before he succumbed to hunger and came out for food and a drink. He thought it best to focus on his work so he’d have something to talk about besides his misery when Lup returned.

Sometimes, Taako or Magnus would sit in the lab with him, describing the world outside as they explored more of it, the scientist too preoccupied with his notes to listen but not too preoccupied to appreciate their company. It wasn’t often that he’d had to work alone in the lab. Lup was always there. 

Until she wasn’t.

Sometimes, Lucretia found the man on the couch huddled under a blanket, rocking back and forth sobbing, in the middle of the night, no doubt blaming himself for Lup’s death. He was the one, after all, who suggested they try to explore the dark foreboding forest in the first place. But how was he supposed to know there would be dangerous beasts that could kill with a bite?

He should have known. 

He should have known.

Magnus barely made it back, creatures giving chase just steps behind him as the door to the Starblaster closed. They lost Merle and Lup to those beasts, and Barry blamed himself wholeheartedly. If he’d been there, he could have saved them. He could have gone with them and fought the beasts. He could have kept them from that encounter entirely by scouting ahead. He could have died so Lup could live.

He should have gone.

He should have saved them.

He should have died instead of them.

On nights like these, Lucretia would make Barry a cup of tea and leave it on the coffee table with a slice of bread or something small Taako had just made. Most mornings after bouts like this, she’d walk out to find an empty mug and a half eaten pastry. At least he was eating something.

\---

Barry tried so hard to believe that it would all be okay. He tried. But then sleep would come to him, in his own room, bed empty except for him, and along with the sleep came nightmares. He often woke up trembling in fear, gasping for breath as he gathered his blanket around him and stepped out into the common area to escape the nightmares.

Some nights, he’d find his glasses and put them on in a moment of lucidity before shuffling out. And then he’d see it. The stain from a wine glass on the coffee table in front of Lup’s spot. The grooves from years and years of placing the same cups in the same place every day. The existence of coasters never stopped Lup from placing her cups on the bare wood. Just looking at the grouping of various circular drink stains would bring Barry to his knees. He missed her so fucking much and, fuck, it was too much. Some mornings, he awoke in the same position he’d finally passed out in, and some mornings, he woke up tucked in bed with a glass of water in the nightstand, glasses neatly folded. But all the same, the crew treated him as if nothing was wrong.

\---

One morning, about six months after the loss of his crewmates, Barry needed something, but he couldn’t remember where he’d put it last. He searched the entire Starblaster and came up with nothing. Until he remembered one place he hadn’t dared enter in so long.

Barry gently opened the door to Lup’s room and froze. 

There, on the desk, lay notebooks and trinkets, covered in a thin layer of dust. The chair in the middle of the room still had laundry that was meant to be put away on it. The bed was still unmade. And, lying on the bedside table was a book, a little cheesy romance novel from another plane that Lup had read a thousand times, abandoned there, with a scrap of paper for a bookmark. 

He took in the scene, still as a statue as he tried to process the fact that his love was gone and, yes, she’d come back, but for the time being she was gone. Dead. Nonexistent. Incorporeal. Then tears streaked down his face. Silently. Slowly. Softly.

Taako was walking down the hall as Barry stood in the doorway, transfixed by the preserved state of the room, but doubled back the way he came when he realized what was going on.

Barry took a step into the room, softly, as one would dip a toe into a body of water before submerging their entire body, then crossed to the bed to curl up in the blankets he knew so well. He laid there, silently weeping, for the better part of an hour before remembering the part he was looking for, and, there it was, under the bed just ever so slightly out of reach. He collected the item and left, taking a deep calming breath before closing the door. 

He headed back to his room and sat at his desk, writing his feelings into a journal. Finally, finally, he was able to process his loss and put it into words everything he felt over the last six months, since Lup was killed. Pages and pages were written, Barry switching languages at random as his mind ran a mile a minute trying to get out all the words he needed to express his thoughts and emotions. After a good while, he came to a stop, drained of all negative emotions, and realized he’d neglected to eat that morning. He stepped out into the common area of the Starblaster and was immediately jumpscared by Magnus. 

It was good to know the rest of them could function like normal people again. But then again, no one else was  _ in love _ with Lup like he was, so he guessed it was easier for them. Even though he felt better than he had in literally half a year, it would still take some time for Barry to get back to a semblance of normalcy. 

\---

They had less than a month left on that plane and they were no closer to finding the Light of Creation. They couldn't even search most of the planet, as it was either water or those dense forests filled with vicious creatures, so Davenport made the executive decision to abandon the search and dock somewhere to spend the rest of the year in relative peace. 

This meant that Barry had more time than usual to just sit there, alone with his thoughts. And those thoughts were not always nice ones. But he usually found ways to push those thoughts to the farthest recesses of his mind.

This day was not one of those “better brain days,” as Taako called it. 

No.

This was a dark, stormy, missing-Lup day. No one could tell because Barry had gotten very good at masking his emotions enough to fit in with others. Inside his head, though, it was a swirl of torment. He was blaming himself for letting the crew put themselves in such a dangerous situation that the love of his life died, for not finding the Light of Creation sooner, and for being a waste of space of a science officer when he should have been doing his job the entire year. He was starting to feel like the whole mission was pointless. If they had to keep outrunning The Hunger, would there ever be an end? Barry didn’t think so.

The next day Barry spent writing. 

He wrote depression and heartache into his journal. 

He wrote down notes on the properties of the plane’s flora. 

He wrote a letter.

\---

_ My Lup, _

_ If I had a mountain, I’d push every stone to a cliff. If I had a river, the banks would overflow with my love for you. This year without you has been really hard. Harder than most others somehow. It pained me to walk into an empty lab every day. I saw your romance novel by the bed, untouched, and it about killed me. I’d see the marks left by your drinking glasses on the coffee table and break down so completely that Cap would need a bucket to get me off the floor. It was miserable. I love you so much, Lup, you couldn’t even begin to imagine it. It’s like I died when you died this year. Everything that I am is just pieces of you. Every thought that I have is just pieces of you. I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t have you at all. I love you so so so much. I can’t even begin to imagine where I’d be without you, Lup. Nowhere good, or fun, probably. Anyway, I love you, and I’ll see you soon, babe. _

_ Love, _

_ Your Barry _

_ \--- _

Barry sealed the letter in an envelope and set it on the desk in Lup’s room, before taking another look around the room and shutting the door.

He walked towards the door of the Starblaster in a daze, dead set on going through with an idea of his. The rest of the crew was doing a puzzle on the coffee table in the common area and they almost didn’t notice Barry’s trajectory, until he nearly tripped on something small. Heads shot up and towards him as he cursed. Then he continued on towards the door.

“Barryyy… Where are you going?” Magnus asked softly.

“Out,” Barry replied, still heading for the ship’s exit.

“Cap’nport said we’re not s’posed to leave the ship,” Magnus warned, but the door was already opening and the man was stepping out onto the ramp that led to the ground.

Barry kept walking straight into the forest, backed by a chorus of protests and shouts that faded as he got farther away. Pretty soon, all he could see were trees and small animals that didn’t look too bad.

Suddenly, he bumped into a wall of fur and scales. He backed up just a step to get a good look at the creature. Looking up, he saw a row of teeth with four fangs equally dispersed along it. The animal got closer and closer, teeth bared, as Barry just stood there, watching. Waiting for his end.

And then he was back on the Starblaster.

He immediately sought out Lup, whom he pulled into a tight embrace before she could register his presence. 

“Barry? Bear? Babe? Is something wrong?” she asked, arms encircling her boyfriend hesitantly.

“Missed you. So fucking much,” the man said into her hair. His arms wrapped tighter around her, like he was afraid to let go.

“Last year was rough without you,” Lucretia remarked. Lup nodded, understanding. She stroked Barry’s hair as a means of comforting him while still locked in a hug.

“Let’s go back to our room and we’ll sort things out, okay?” she suggested. Barry nodded and let go. They went to Lup’s -their- room and she gasped when she saw that nearly nothing had changed since the morning she, Merle, and Magnus left on that expedition. “Babe, did you even walk in here while I was… you know?”

“O-once or twice. It was too painful, Lup,” he said as they headed to sit on the bed.

“Oh.” Lup wrapped an arm around Barry’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have gone. Should have been smarter about it so I could come back. To you. But, you know what they say about hindsight”

“What? That it’s 20/20?”

“No. That it’s a bitch!” Lup exclaimed. It caught Barry off guard and he doubled over laughing. He was still trying to breathe regularly when Lup said “But, seriously though. I wish I could have been there for you.” She shifted and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“You’re here now,” he said.

“Yes, I am, and what do you need right now?” Her voice was full of love and concern. He’d missed that.

“... Hold me?” the man asked sheepishly. At that, Lup got up and laid back down on the mattress, holding her arms out for Barry to crawl into.

“This good?” She pressed another kiss to his forehead.

“Yeah,” he said softly. “Perfect.”

The pair spent the first day of the new cycle cuddling and holding each other, making up for lost time, getting reacquainted with each other’s presence. They’d see what was going on with the new plane tomorrow. Right now, their focus was on each other, and it was perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, y'all. I just realized that this is the most I've written in one go for a single chapter fic and I'm kinda proud of myself for doing so. I guess all I need is some angst to get the brain juices flowing lol
> 
> In all seriousness, if you are experiencing feelings of hopelessness, despair, suicidal notions, or other symptoms of depression, let someone know, please. If you know someone who is depressed or suicidal, check in on them. You never know how they're feeling unless you do so. Especially after the year we just had. Good riddance, 2020.
> 
> And, hey! Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. Right now. Check outside. I'm right there. See me waving?


End file.
